Sorry, forgot I was going to try this blog thing more. Will try to be be better!
Anyway, I’ve started cutting again(ish). It had been about 6 months since I last did, but have cut twice this year already when things (feelings) got out of control. But this isn’t the first relapse, and I know it was good to get that far in the first place so I don’t feel too awful about it.
The bad thing is, I really want to do it more. Even when I’m feeling fairly good. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but I have an overwhelming desire to do so lately, I just want to feel it again. I know it’s stupid, and I’m fucking crazy, but it’s the truth. Sorry.
I’m tired but when I sleep my dreams are corrupted. They come out all fragmented, when I’m in them I can see the components that made them but bits are missing, and I’m constantly waiting for it to switch to the next pair of random parts from a big set. I can’t write any more about it now sorry, I’m losing the memories of them now I’m awake. I’ve had this before when I try to sleep off the way I feel, it’s confusing and not very restful but if I get enough of it then it seems to help a bit.
Currently I am taking the following prescription drugs:
Ramipril 10mg (Hypertension)
Amlodipine 5mg (Hypertension)
Venlafaxine 150mg (Depression/Mental Health)
Mirtazapine 30mg (Depression/Mental Health)
Pregabalin 100mg (Depression/Mental Health)
The Pregabalin is new after having a lot of anxiety about going in to work, yet to see how that works out but going back to doctor in a few weeks for a review. Everything else I have been on for a while now. In the past I have also been on:
Fluoxetine (Depression/Mental Health)
Sertraline (Depression/Mental Health)
Duloxetine (Depression/Mental Health)
Citalopram (Depression/Mental Health)
A little about me so that this blog makes some sense:
Religion: Agnostic Antitheist with Atheist leanings
Race: White British
Politics: Currently unsure with current political climate, voted Labour at last election and remain in EU referendum
Occupation: Computer Consultant
Marital Status: Engaged
Location: Manchester, England, UK, EU (for now), Earth
Body Type: Morbidly Obese
Illnesses: Depression, Hypertension, Psoriasis
I’ll let you know if anything changes or I think up anything else which might be relevant!
Sometimes it feels like the weekend didn’t work. That’s a strange statement I know, but for me the weekend is about being refreshed and ready to face the week ahead, and sometimes it just doesn’t feel like I’m quite there. Sunday night comes and it’s time to go to bed before work tomorrow, but I know that if I do then Monday will be upon me.
I’m not sure why I feel like this though, sometimes it makes sense, if I have had a busy weekend and not really had time to myself then I will want time alone and not want to face people at work and on public transport. Or if I have a big job on Monday and I’m not sure what I’m meant to be doing, then I feel nervous about the day ahead. Other times though it’s like today, I had a busy day yesterday but I’ve relaxed today, I’m not on a job tomorrow so there is no pressure on me either, yet I am still worried about going in to work tomorrow. Sometimes it is harder not having a set task to do though I guess, means I have to think for myself and when my head is spinning that isn’t easy.
Think I’m just going to have to go to bed and hope I feel up to it in the morning, I’m out of sick days and I can’t really afford to take more days as holiday or lose the pay. I guess I’ll have to just get through it, sometimes that’s hard though.